SpecOps

Who We Are & What We Do

The special operations network was instigated in 1928 to handle policing duties considered either too unusual or specialised to be tackled by the regular forces. Over the years we have found our power increased to look after governmental departments, an opportunity to serve that we find fulfilling and challenging.

Despite the major cuts that overtook SpecOps in the winter of 1991/1992, we look forward to increasing the efficiency of the Network's legendary bureacracy by disbanding more departments. Soon we will have nothing to do but manage ourselves managing ourselves, and the huge staff at SO-1 will celebrate 100% efficiency by employing more management staff to be able to maintain those high standards.

There were thirty-two divisions in total, not all of whom were covered by the parliamentary 'freespeech' ordinance 392810-hg25. See the list below and click on the surviving division in question for more information.

SpecOps-1

Special Operations Network Management
At SO-1 we run the entire network. Every SpecOps division is answerable to us. Official complaints procedure modified to an endless and infurating loop of circular automated telephone service.


SpecOps-2

DISBANDED
Classified: SpecOps division subject to secrecy certificate number 23/681


SpecOps-3

DISBANDED
Classified: SpecOps division subject to secrecy certificate number 23/681


SpecOps-4

DISBANDED
Classified: SpecOps division subject to secrecy certificate number 23/681


SpecOps-5

DISBANDED
Search & containment facility
A division for dealing with the planet's worst villains and wrongdoers.


SpecOps-6

DISBANDED
National Security and diplomatic protection.
If SO-6 had been on duty the night President Formby was nearly assassinated, civil war may have been avoided.


SpecOps-7

DISBANDED
Classified: SpecOps division subject to secrecy certificate number 23/681


SpecOps-8

DISBANDED
Classified: SpecOps division subject to secrecy certificate number 23/681


SpecOps-9

Anti-terrorism.
The division that deals with the nation's worst terror groups. (No further information)


SpecOps-10

DISBANDED
Classified: SpecOps division subject to secrecy certificate number 23/681


SpecOps-11

DISBANDED
Classified: SpecOps division subject to secrecy certificate number 23/681


SpecOps-12
Office for Special Temporal Stability
(The ChronoGuard)
Recruitment drive now on due to industrial action expected in fifteen years ago.


SpecOps-13
DISBANDED
Genetic Detectives
This is the division that polices illegal gene-sequencing. Chimeras eradicated without mercy. Our mandate also covers re-engineered extinct species, including dodos, Mastodons and Neanderthals.


SpecOps-14

DISBANDED
Tactical Support Unit
Here at SO-14 we have killed less civilians per successful mission than any other SpecOps division - a boast we can be justly proud of.


SpecOps-15

DISBANDED
Drug Enforcement Agency
Here we deal with illegal addictive substances from class 1 (Glucose-saturated carbonic acid) to class 13 (poor quality TV) to class 26: (salty snacks).


SpecOps-16

DISBANDED
Classified: SpecOps division subject to secrecy certificate number 23/681


SpecOps-17

DISBANDED
Werewolf and Vampire Disposal Operations
SO-17 was the first privatised SpecOps division. See Yellow pages for rates card and reporting procedures.


SpecOps-18

DISBANDED
Classified: SpecOps division subject to secrecy certificate number 23/681


SpecOps-19

DISBANDED
Classified: SpecOps division subject to secrecy certificate number 23/681


SpecOps-20

DISBANDED
Classified: SpecOps division subject to secrecy certificate number 23/681


SpecOps-21

DISBANDED
Transportation Authority
Cars, vans, lorries and trains all fall within the remit of S0-21. Latest on road fund licence for bicycles and news of the 'enlarged cycle Network', 4-wheel drive 'school runs' ban to become law in October and free coffee for late night drivers to be introduced.


SpecOps-22

DISBANDED
English Aviation Authority
Here we deal with aviation matters regarding airships, light aircraft and industry safeguards. The Accident Investigation Department reports online the latest airship crashes and publish data to reassure the public that Airship travel is the safest way to fly.


SpecOps-23

DISBANDED
Food and Drugs Administration
We are what we eat and at SO-23 there are not many problems that escape our all encompassing food licensing and reporting procedures.


SpecOps-24

DISBANDED
Art Crime.
For a complete online list of all stolen art and whereabouts of plundered war booty and who thinks they have the better right to it, click HERE.


SpecOps-25

DISBANDED
Industrial Safeguards
Lax safety regulations or a fellow worker sucked into a large clanking festival of death? SO-25 are here to listen to your problems and ensure safety in the workplace.


SpecOps-26

Pasta Police
DISBANDED
If a cannelloni doesn't live up to your expectations or you suspect that Quattro Frommagio you bought might be only Troissio Frommagio, you need to call us. Also: Late breaking news on mandatory pizza base thickness and a special on the new Linguini Standards Authority.


SpecOps-27
DISBANDED
Literary Detectives.
Feel your new original copy of Milton's 'Paradise Lost' is a bit weak in alliteration? It could be a bootleg copy. Contact us for all literary problems. Beware of forged Jonsonia and take heed when purchasing 'original' manuscripts. If the price is too good to be true, it probably is. Shakespeareana is now looked after by its own division, SO-29.


SpecOps-28

Inland Revenue Services.
Remember that holiday you wrote off as a business trip? We do. Our retrospective tax amnesty self assesment now extends to twenty years. Log on now and you won't end up like Barnaby Froop. Latest rates for domestic tax on children not in full or part time employment with a per capita income of less than 1000: Pocket money & cash gifts under 20: 6% Over 20: 2.1%. Tooth fairy: Molars: 3%, Incisors, 2.8%, no tax on Milk Canines. Free tax money box on request. Latest news on once-only 'good view from your upstairs window tax'


SpecOps-29

DISBANDED
Entertaiments Facilitation Department
Here we are in charge of all books, films, theatre, television, standup, musicals and associated entertainment. Late-breaking news: Ban on balloon folding acts to be lifted; 'Anthrax!', the musical retelling of the germ warfare experiment on Gruinard is to go ahead. Hollywood to face charges of Filmic Historical Distortion over who actually obtained the enigma machine. 'The Mole' newspaper to be questioned over letting facts get in the way of a good story.


SpecOps-30

DISBANDED
Public Services Enforcement Authority
A torn bin liner could land you in a lot of trouble. We name and shame 25,000 recycling cross-binners and discuss the pros and cons of home electo- defragmetizers. Other electrical home appliances tested as poor household safety becomes a criminal offence. Still using a tritium home fusion power generator? We need them all decommissioned before possession and use becomes an offence in August 2001


SpecOps-31
Cheese Enforcement Agency (CEA)
(Formerly Good Taste Re-education Authority)
The Cheese Enforcement Agency was formed as a result of the growing illegal Cheese Smuggling Industry that arose as a result of the "Cheese levy". The department was created to not only oversee the licensing of cheese but also collect the tax levied on it by the government.


SpecOps-32

DISBANDED
Horticultural Enforcement Agency.
Japanese Knotweed must be destroyed - heavy fines for unlicensed owners. Water feature suitability inspections undertaken. New for 2001: a crack squad to prune unlicensed or outsize Leylandii. Special report on the outlawed Pampas Grass Vigilante Squad and Join in our National survey on the most acceptable plural form of Narcissus.


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copyright 2002. All rights reserved. last updated: 19th June 2002