Recipe for "Apples Benedict"
A culinary delight thought up by Ibb in
Well of Lost Plots
I am very grateful to Ben Tymens for this 'freestyle' rendering of the notable feast featured in The Well of Lost Plots. I think I can speak for Ben and myself whjen we accept no responmsibility for any fall out resulting from the preperation of this culinary delight.

You need:

English muffins
Cooking apples
Ham cut into thick slices
Calvados (you can substitute Cognac if you really must)

Grab a pan. Don't ask me what size, just a pan that won't melt unless you stick it in a furnace. Turn the furnace off and put it away. Whatever were you thinking of, bringing that into the kitchen? Honestly. Now, where were we? Ah, yes. The pan. Put it on a reasonable sort of heat, and cook the apples. Ah, I didn't mention them, did I? Right, take the pan back off, and learn to read the whole recipe before you start. Don't be so impatient.

Now then, peel the cooking apples, and chop them into cubes. I don't care what size cubes, this is your cooking - you use your skill and judgement. No, not that big. For heaven's sake. Are you trying to choke us? Make them about the same diameter as your little finger is thick. Except cubic, obviously. For heavens sake don't get confused and cut up your little finger.

Go and put a plaster on it. Now.

Right, now you’ve got your cubes, bung them into the pan. And put it back on to the heat. Then throw in a little butter, and enough sugar to counter the acid. You don't want it excessively sweet, but I'll leave the amounts to you. The idea is to cook the apple cubes so that they soften and the whole pile goes gooey and squishy. Keep the heat so that the mixture bubbles quietly, or you'll be cleaning apple gunk off the ceiling for weeks. These are technical terms, so I hope you're paying attention. If the mix looks like being a bit dry, throw in a little apple juice or water.

Right, leave the apple sauce for half an hour or so, until the apples are breaking down. When it's almost ready, you want to toast the muffins gently under a medium grill. No, I had no idea grills came in sizes either, but there you go. It'll be about a size 14 UK or a 12 in the US. Actually, with obesity rates being as they are that might be an 18 in both countries.

While they're toasting, this is a good time to hack up some ham, unless you’ve got pre-sliced stuff. If you happen to have some lying about on the bone though, slice it nice and thickly.

Now you're ready to assemble the creation. Take the muffins and butter them. I hope you remembered to cut them in half first so you could toast both sides. What do you mean I never said? I told you before about reading the whole recipe beforehand! Place the slices of ham into the muffins, and then finish off the apple sauce by adding a large dose of Calvados. Then pile a thick layer of the sauce onto the ham and serve*.

Serve with lashings of farmhouse cider as a delicious breakfast.

(You may notice a lack of quantities in this recipe. This is because I am banned from the kitchen for not tidying away my furnace properly. Why do I have a furnace? Well, I've got shares in a small furnace company, and if Delia and Martha can plug their own products I see no reason not to plug my own. Anyone trying it and approving is welcome to add notes for other people)

* Alternatively apply large voltages of electricity and try to stay away from angry villagers with pitchforks.

- Ben Tymens, from the Forum.