What am I? I cost £29.99 and my instructions (size A3, three languages, probably none of them can be read with a straight face) include the following. Hint, these instructions are way beyond overkill.


Please read the operating instructions in this Operating Instructions, especially the warnings and cautions, as well as the operating instructions ---

If this ******* is used while it is emitting smoke, generating a strange odor or making an abnormal noise, it could cause fire or electric shock --- after making sure that smoke is no longer emitted, take it to the shop where you purchased it for repairs.

Once every two years, ask your dealer to check the connection cord for damage and to clean the contacts --- cleaning is especially effective if performed before the rainy season. Please ask your dealer concerning cleaning costs.

This device may emit a humming noise, but this is not abnormal.

If used near a radio, this device may cause static, so play the radio in a distant place.

A Vibrator. Sorry to be crude. But i think it could be.



TMH

//---------------//------------------//
One golfer a year is hit by lightning. This may be the only evidence we have of god’s existence.

No, but I can see your point ! The makers have been so over the top about it all.

Packet of peanuts?

May contain nuts...



PSD

==========

This is the work of an Italian narco-anarchic collective. Don't bother insulting them, they can't read English anyway.

At £29.99 ?

Electric peanuts?



PSD

==========

This is the work of an Italian narco-anarchic collective. Don't bother insulting them, they can't read English anyway.

Sounds like Black Sabbath to me.

rainy season? A dehumidifier? (But I prefer the electric peanuts!)

I think its an electric umbrella, spins to keep the rain off better.



TMH

//---------------//------------------//
One golfer a year is hit by lightning. This may be the only evidence we have of god’s existence.

I think I'd trade this for one of those. Very creative. This thing is so mundane.

"Congratulations on buying your NEW Frankenstein Monster 1.2. To charge your cadaver, insert the lead (A) into orifice (B) and connect to any suitable 10,000 volt electrical supply.

The manufacturer accepts no responsibility for angry mobs, bad films or wild chases across the Arctic."



PSD

==========

This is the work of an Italian narco-anarchic collective. Don't bother insulting them, they can't read English anyway.

I think it's a crap fiction detector myself... one whiff of Barbara Cartland and it explodes!

Dave, is the number of asteriskii in your description "*******" strictly accurate?

(oh and if you have bought a humidifier, PLEASE buy a dehumidifier as well and put it in the same room, I'd love to know what happens!)

If it were it would be worth a lot more than £29.99. I like that one. They are so over the top in Japan ---

Chris Tolkien could SO have done with one when he looked through his dads' waste paper baskets.

Just think, if an author had one, he could use it to tell when his book was going wrong. Caution! For safety of device, do not bring into contact with

a) James Joyce

b) 'The Notion Club Papers' by JRR Tolkien

c) Insert name here

or device will expode !



Post Edited (07-11-03 21:07)

The Toast Marketing Board would like to believe that you have purchased a toaster. If you have not purchased a toaster, they would like to encourage you to do so.


BTW, Sarah Zettel once told me that all electronic devices have magic smoke in them, which causes them to function. If the smoke escapes, then they don't work any longer.



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"I've often said that the difference between British and American SF TV series is that the British ones have three-dimensional characters and cardboard spaceships, while the Americans do it the other way around."
--Ross Smith

I had a dehumidifier in a cellar for six months and it never got any better down there.

As for the number of asterisks, either *** or **, I'm not saying.

'Do not cover the ** ***** ******* with a cloth or sleeping mat' !!!

When I got married we got two toasters as presents. One of them had magic flames in it, so that decided which we would use.

I seem only to eat when at Sarah's (where I work) so I will pass on the TMB advert to her.

Do pizzas count as toast? 'Fancy cheese on toast' is a description I remember.

NB it was NOT Sarah I got married to, I was divorced some time ago. She's listening in downstairs and is in on the joke. We just work together.

I'm still laughing about that... and also another helpful piece of product instruction which someone posted on Blurty today. It was from a hairdryer, and the instruction was "Do not use while sleeping".

Right.



..........................................................................................

That which does not kill us makes us stranger.
(Llewelyn the dragon, Ozy and Millie)

Sarah

Though that could explain the state of my hair when I wake up sometimes... *looks at hair. Faints*

Ok, OK, it's nothing more than an AC power adaptor (though it is for a seriously righteous camera). Over the top or what!

Now who can advise me which books to use to check that the bad fiction detector is working? I may have to take it back if it doesn't work, after all, and with the weather being what it is the electric umbrella could be very useful to keep my peanuts dry, as the Frankensteins' monster chases me with a flaming toaster under one arm and a dehumidifier under the other, and a suspicious noise coming from inside its' trousers.

This would look very good as we dice with death avoiding fleets of buses and the Supertram, crossing the bridge over the railway, then over the Magic Roundabout (Park Hill, Sheffield). I arrive gasping at the counter of Jessops to say that I want a refund because the device didn't complain about Dylan Thomas' 'Do not go gently'.

So this is what you get for answering my little spoof;
Is this performance art? Do you need further proof?