3 ducks walked into the bar...
and said

'We're on the wrong thread'

Exit stage left, turns up with barman and order three wild grouse*.

*Wild grouse - normally placid but get quite savage after being stuck in bottle.

Three little ducks go into a bar..............................

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What
else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi,
and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came th e answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day
myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "I'm Puddles"

To quote Shakespeare:

The rest is silence.

---------------------------------------

However back at the bar..


Several Shakespeare impersonators walk into the bar ......

You are in the wrong thread. :P

__________________________________
'We're all mad here. I'm mad, you're mad." [said the Cat.]
"How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice.
"You must be," said the Cat, "Or you wouldn't have come here."
- Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures In Wonderland

Depends on how funny the joke is...

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes," the photographer said.

"And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward.

"You mean they actually chewed on your, eh... equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod?" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?... Good Lord, she's fainted!"

A doctor was asked to give a talk about human sexuality to a women's club. Embarrassed to tell his wife the topic, he told her he was giving a talk about sailing.

A few days after, the wife ran into one of the members, who said 'Your husband did such a great job and gave us so much good information! It was fantastic!'

The wife, puzzled, replied, 'I just don't understand it. He doesn't know anything about it! He only tried it twice, the first time he was sick, and the second time, his hat blew off.'

How do you describe a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?

It's a bloke who sits up all night wondering if there is a dog or not.

a bit o.o.d.

The Liverpool manager sends scouts out around the world looking for a new striker to replace Michael Owen and hopefully win Liverpool the title. One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch him, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield.
Two weeks later, Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 mins left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation, scores five brilliant goals in 20 mins and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch, he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. Hello mum, guess what?" he says. " I played for 20 mins today and we were 4-0 down, but I scored five and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."
"Wonderful," says his mum, "now let me tell you about my day. While you were having a great time, the house was firebombed, your father got shot in the street, your sister was raped, I was ambushed and robbed, and your brother's joined a gang of looters."
The young lad is very upset. "Oh, mum, what can I say? I'm so sorry.” "Sorry??!!" cries his mum, "Sorry? It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"

sic

Change of subject:

I am seeking CLEAN!!!!!!!!! variants on 'mary had a little lamb..' for my brother in law's grand children - knowmn locally as the 'Gang of Four':

I've got:

Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead
Now it goes to school with her
between two lumps of bread


And courtesy of Benny Hill

Mary had a little lamb
It's fleece was black as soot
and everywhere that lamb did go
its sooty foot it put

Also:

Mary had a little lamb
It drank and drank and drank
when Mary took it for a swim
The little lamb just sank.

Victor Borge supplied:

When Mary had a little lamb
her friends were all surprised,
but when Old MacDoanld had a farm
they couldn't believe their eyes.


I need clean variants as the 'Gang of Four' are all aged 6 -8 and are made of sugar and spice and all things nice. Even I like them.


All responses carefully read and thanks anyway, whatever the variant you choose to offer.

mary had a little lamb
she washed it in the basin
and every time it splashed around
she kicked its little face in.

not appropriate for 6-8 range but its the only one I can think of

Depends what you think of as age appropriate but I am sue I knew this one at that age -

Mary had a little leamb,
she tied it to a pylon.
A thousand volts went up its bum
and turned its wool to nylon.

I liked it!

Mary had a little lamb
With mint-sauce and peas
And after she had finished it
She asked for seconds, please.

There is always the one with no 's's...

mary had a little lamb
with fleece a pale white hue
and everywhere that mary went
the lamb kept her in view
to academe he went with her
illegal and quite rare
it made the children laugh and play
to view a lamb in there

__________________________________
'We're all mad here. I'm mad, you're mad." [said the Cat.]
"How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice.
"You must be," said the Cat, "Or you wouldn't have come here."
- Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures In Wonderland

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white as snow
And everywhere that Mary went
The lamb had to walk, because he hadn't got a bike.

Mary had a little lamb,
A little pork, a little jam
A little pizza, some lemon fizz
Look how sick now Mary is.

Mary had a little lamb
its fleece as white as snow
she took it to her school one day
it didn't wanna go

A Kit Kat is a Biscuit