Aside from almost every post in the message board, I can't find a jokes thread, this distresses me!

Once there were two farmers. One had a daughter and the other had a son. When their kids were teenagers they started dating, and the two farmers encouraged it. One day the girl's father went over to the other farmer's house and said that he didn't want their children dating anymore. The boy's father asked, "Why not?"
The other farmer said, "Come here and I'll show you." In his yard was the girl's name written in pee in the snow.

The boy's father said, "Oh, come on, that's just boy stuff."

The other farmer said, "You think I don’t' know my own daughter's handwriting?"

I once dated a guy with a lazy eye. But we had to break up, cuz he was seeing someone on the side...

-------------------------------------
I was born foolish, and every day in every way I am getting foolisher and foolisher.

I say I say!

What's a buccaneer?

Too much to pay for wit.

__________________________________
'We're all mad here. I'm mad, you're mad." [said the Cat.]
"How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice.
"You must be," said the Cat, "Or you wouldn't have come here."
- Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures In Wonderland

<Tries desperately to think of family friendly joke.>
<Fails>
<Throws a pie at Lymond instead>

what did the elephant say to the kangaroo?












Hi.

I say I say I say, my dog has no nose
How does he smell?
He doesn't. He has no nose

*radum teesh*

Did you hear about the scarecrow who got a PhD?

He was an expert in his field.

**ducks the pie**

cant say as to how accurate this is...

This letter from the British Inland Revenue Department was
reprinted in The Guardian 27/9/03:

Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than
prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer
some of the points you raise.

I will address them, as ever, in order. Firstly, I must
take issue with your description of our last communication as
a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred
to as a "tax demand". This is how we, at the Inland
Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally
referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless
stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily
through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted.
However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters
to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their
being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses
and puissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your
decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of
emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised.

In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the
senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin
or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see
you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to
contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which, brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some
spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay
"go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is
the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation
ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in
any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party"
yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's
disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst
colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less
than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for bunterish
lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you
have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that
box-ticking facade of a university system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the
envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of
those with nothing else to give" has never been considered
as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't
render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved
would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would
not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or
the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose
to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in
India" you would still owe us the money.

Please forward it by Friday.

Yours Sincerely,

H J Lee Customer Relations

A man came up to me in the street. He kept shouting "I'm a tepee! I'm a wigwam! I'm a tepee! I'm a wigwam! I said, "hey, relax, pal, you're two tents!" (probably has to be read aloud)

theres this eskimo sat in his boat and he's cold so he lights a fire, the boat sinks, thus proving you cant have your kayak and heat it.

What do you do with a blue banana?


Cheer it up...

stolen from a past copy of private eye its a bit dated now.

The Book Of Ehud

Chapter 94: The Smighty Warriors Go Forth

1. And lo, it came to pass that Ehud sent the mighty warriors of Israel, the sons and even the daughters of Israel, indeed all the children of Israel who could carry a sword or ride in a chariot of iron, into the land of Le-ban-on.

2. And Ehud spake unto the children of Israel in this wise: O children of Israel, the time hath come for the smiting that will end all smiting.

3. For too many years the Hez-boll-ites have been an thorn in our flesh, like unto the scorpion that creepeth up in the night and stingeth a man n his foot, yea, even before he can lay his hand upon the flip-flop beneath his bed in order to smite it dead.

4. Talking of which, Ehud concluded, it is time for some serious smiting, even the final day of reckoning with the Hez-boll-ites.

5. Ye are to go into the land of the cedars of Lib-anus and smite all that moveth - not just the Hez-boll-ites but also the Leb-anites (who may be no friends to the Hez-boll-ites but that is just the luck that is called tough) and indeed anyone else who getteth in our way.

6. And the children of Israel saith unto themselves, yea, it will be over in seven days.

7. And it will be like unto an piece of cake.

8. So the warriors of Israel went forth into the land of Leb-an-on to do as they had been commanded by Ehud, the son of Sharon.

9. But, lo, it was not as it had been foretold by Ehud.

10. For the Hez-boll-ites had hidden themselves privily, in caves and holes in the ground, like unto the cunning fox which concealeth itself by day and, when night comes, jumpeth out and fireth an rocket at Haifa.

11. And so it was with the Hez-boll-ites. And the children of Israel found themselves on the receiving end of the smiting, for an change.

12. And in the streets of Haifa there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth.

13. For many had been slain, even men, women and children.

14. Though not as many as the Leb-anites, men, women and children, who had been slain by the sons of Israel.

15. And so it continueth for six days. And on the seventh day Ehud looked upon what he had done and said, “This is not good.”

16. And he cried aloud, cursing the Hez-boll-ites with an mighty curse, saying, “This goeth not according to plan.”

17. “So now it is time for the plan that is called B – that is to say, more smiting.

18. And where Ehud had smote an hundred-fold, he now smote an thousand-fold, even the cities of Tyre and Sidon and many others too numerous to mention (but they are all named in the bible).

19. And among those who were smitten were the sons on Un, who are called the makers of peace.

20. But, lo, the Hez-boll-ites were still there, like unto the nettle of the desert which, the more it is cut down, the more it groweth up to sting again.

21. And the children of Israel muttereth among themselves, saying, “Verily this Ehud hath been put to the test and hath been found sorely wanting.”

22. “For even Sharon who sleepeth like unto one who is dead, would make a better fist of it.”

23. And Ehud took council with himself, asking what he should do now.

24. What, he asketh, would Sharon have done if he were standing in my shoes?

25. And the answer cameth to him as follows: “I know – all that is needed is more smiting.”

Chapter 95: The Miracle at Qana

1. And lo, it came to pass that in the town of Qana which is in Galilee there were many Leb-anites, women and children, gathered together in one dwelling, for they had taken refuge there and they were sore afraid.

2. And they had good reason.

3. For Ehud sent out his flying weapons by night and smote them all, even as they slept.

4. And all the children of Israel were amazed and cried out, “Verily, this is the Miracle at Qana. Ehud hath turned living people into dead ones.”

What's the difference between a bad marksman and a constipated owl?

One shoots but can't hit..........

What's the difference between a prince and a beach ball?

One is heir to the throne, another is thrown in the air.

__________________________________
'We're all mad here. I'm mad, you're mad." [said the Cat.]
"How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice.
"You must be," said the Cat, "Or you wouldn't have come here."
- Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures In Wonderland

whats the difference between a goldfish and mountie?

goldfish muck around in fountains...

What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

Well one of them walked on the moon...

and the other abuses five- year- old boys.

i'll refrain from posting the one about fairies wands and policemans battons...

A PRAYER FOR THE STRESSED

Grant me serenity to accept things I cannot change.
The courage to change things I cannot accept, and
the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had
to kill today because they p*ssed me off.

And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on
today, as they may be connected to the arse that I
may have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me always to give 100% at work. 12% on Monday,
23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday
and 5% on Friday.

And help me to remember … when I’m having a really
bad day and it seems that people are trying to piss me
off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to
extend my arm and smack the b*st*rd in the mouth.

The end.

The IT Mantra

We, the willing
Let by the unknowing
Are doing the impossible
For the ungrateful
We have done so much
With so little
For so long
We are now qualified to do anything
With nothing
For next to nothing

Just a few answers to the age-old question


PLATO For the greater good

ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX It was an historical inevitability

DARWIN Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in
such a way that they are now genetrically programmed to cross roads.

EINSTEIN Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the
chicken depends on your frame of reference.

FREUD The fact that you are asking the question reveals your sexual
insecurity

L.A. POLICE DEPARTMENT Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find
out.

ANDERSEN CONSULTING (Enron's and HM Government's favourite accountants, now
rebranded as Accenture)

Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant
market position. The chicken was faced with considerable challenges to
create and develop the competences required for the newly competitive
market. Accenture , in a partnership relationship with the client, helped
the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and
implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM)
Accenture helped the chicken to use its skills, methodologies, knowledge ,
capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and
technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management
Framework . Accenture convened a a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts
and best chickens along with in-house consultants with deep skills in the
transportation industry to engage in a two day itinerary of meetings in
order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit,
and to enable them to synergise with each other in order to achieve the
implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting a and
implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of
poultry cross-median processes.......This was conducive to the creation of a
total business integration solution . Accenture helped the chicken change to
become more successful.

Not a joke, just a small venting of spleen.

[rant]
I was invited to attend an interview for a job with Accenture. The interview would be held at 9:00 A.M. in a town over 200 miles from where I lived, so I had to drive the night before and stay in a hotel in order to attend. (I could have left home at 4:00 A.M. and done a 400+ mile round trip but didn't think that I would be presenting my best image).

On arriving, on time I was greeted by receptionists who didn't know I was expected (not their fault) but who accused me of either coming uninvited or having got the date wrong. (Good customer relations technique.)

I presented them with a hard copy of the email invitation, they grudgingly admitted that perhaps there had been an error at their end.

While I could not take part in the role play games that they had planned, or not as the case may be, someone decided to interview me.

Having been promised a prompt response, I returned home.

ONE MONTH later, I e-mailed them to be told that they were re-appraising the roles, despite the fact that they were still advertising the job that I had applied for.

In IT, you quickly learn that the formal rejection letter is no reply, but to waste £150 (USD 300) on an (/)interview for a possibly nonexistent job and now, 2 years later, to have still not received the (promised) critique of my interview technique does mean that in my new role, guess who will be invited to tender, at their expense, for any job for which I can guarantee they will not be considered?

[/rant]

P.S. I am enjoying the new job, but am not sure that they are ready for a Fforumite in their midst)

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My computer beat me at chess, but I won at kickboxing